Hold Your Breath

This one is kind of dark, so fair warning.

I may or may not make this a longer fic, so let me know if you want me to continue the story in the comments.

Started: 17.11.23

Finished: 19.04.06

Words: 2,613

TW: Suicide (attempt)

Gen., Hallucifer


Sam!”

Without a second thought the angel dove off the building after him, hoping against all odds he’d reach him in time. He couldn’t help the stab of guilt that hit his heart as he saw the giant’s eyes widen out of surprise.

Did you really think I wouldn’t come after you?

I thought… why?

What do you mean why? Why what?

Why did you…?

To save you, dumb-ass, why else?

I’m not worth it, even falling a hundred stories, the giant somehow managed to sound like a kicked puppy.

Gabriel rolled his eyes and pushed his wings out from his vessel’s back, feeling the skin rip apart with the force. He held back a cry of pain, screwing his eyes shut for a moment while they stretched themselves out. He let out a breath and opened them, zoning in on the awe on the brunette’s face. He peered behind him and noted how close the ground was getting before flapping his wings once, managing to generate enough wind to push himself forward.

Gotcha, he wrapped the giant up in his arms before barrel rolling, wings curling around the now-on-top human.

Gab-

 

 

The giant blinked his eyes open with a groan, tilting his head in confusion at the darkness, this can’t be heaven… he coughed and went to sit up, momentarily panicking when he felt something heavy against his back. What the…? He turned his head to see he was surrounded by beautiful gold. Oh, no, the giant swallowed thickly and turned back to the ground, feeling himself pale as he saw the angel’s face, you didn’t… he brought a shaking hand up to his neck, unable to calm the pounding of his heart. No… c’mon, he pressed harder against the flesh, feeling a boulder settle into his stomach. He let out a strangled cry before beginning CPR, you can’t – I told you not to come after me, he felt the ribs crack under the pressure, why didn’t you listen to me?

“Sam!”

The giant could hear his brothers’ cries from down the street while he continued CPR. You shouldn’t have-, he sniffed and hastily wiped at his eyes, the angel’s voice still ringing in his ears. Why didn’t you just let me die?

“Sam? Let me through! Let me through-

The brunette sighed, caressing a hand down the angel’s face, it wasn’t supposed to end like this.

 

 

“Whaddya say, Sammich?”

The angel’s voice broke through his thoughts. He turned and failed to hide the blush that crept up his cheeks.

The shorter man’s eyes crinkled with concern, “You okay?”

“Yeah,” he faked a smile, doing his best to ignore the blonde perched in the corner, “I’m great. Sorry, I was just a bit distracted.”

Lucifer chuckled, “Please, he’s not that good looking.”

“Pfft, please, I’m not that good looking.”

The ex-hunter shook his head before getting up off the couch, “I think I’m gonna call it a night.”

“Call it a night?” The shorter man was back by his side in an instant, “It’s 7:30pm on a Friday,” he tilted his head as he gave him a once over, “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I’m fine, just a bit tired,” he side-stepped his boyfriend and began climbing the steps, suppressing a sigh as he heard two pairs of footsteps behind him.

“Oh c’mon Sammy,” he could hear the grin in the devils’ voice, “don’t you wanna go out and have some fun?”

What’s really going on, Sam?

The giant slipped the bracelet off, I can’t let you know… not yet, “Nothing, I told you, I’m just tired.”

“But why are you so tired?”

“Yeah, Sam,” the two men followed the giant into the bedroom, blonde hopping up on the dresser, “why are you acting so weird?”

“Just leave me alone!” The ex-hunter spun around, instantly regretting the words as he came face to face with his boyfriend.

Gabriel nodded, taking a few steps back as he cast his gaze down, eyebrow rising before a hurt look fell across his face. Sam, confused, followed his gaze down to the bracelet he was holding, shit.

“Good job, Sam.”

“Gabe, don’t-”

“No,” he shook his head, bringing his eyes back up to the giant, fake smile plastered on his face, “It’s fine. You don’t trust me to be in your head, I get it,” he turned on his heal to leave.

“Gabriel,” the brunette took a step toward him, “that’s not why-”

“Get some sleep, Sam.”

 

 

“Sam!”

He felt cool air hit his skin as the giant wing was lifted away from his back. He couldn’t bear to tear his eyes away from the angel’s face, you came after me… he felt his brother pull him to his feet by the collar.

“Sam? Sammy? Are you okay? Is anything broken?”

“H-he-,” the giants’ sentence cut off into a series of coughs, damn.

“W-water! I need water!” Dean’s hand was on his back in an instant, rubbing circles into it, “Sammy? Hey, c’mon talk to me.”

The younger couldn’t help the tears that welled up in his eyes, “H-he came after me.”

 

 

Sam huffed as he stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, why can’t I get you to shut up?

“Sam, we’ve been over this,” the devil crossed his legs as he sat on the toilet seat, “thinking at me is the same as talking. Might as well use your voice.”

No, he shook his head violently, making himself dizzy from the force, you’re not real.

Lucifer sighed before getting up off the toilet, coming up behind the giant, lips barely an inch away from his ear, “Are you sure?”

The brunette couldn’t help the shiver that ran down his spine at the words, the way the breath tickled the hair on his ear, how could he-

“Sammich? You okay in there?”

He jumped at the voice, heart practically leaping out of his chest. His eyes swept the room, not seeing the fallen angel anywhere.

He ran a shaky hand through his hair as he took a deep breath, “Y-yeah, I’m fine. I’ll be out in a minute.”

The giant held his breath as he waited to hear retreating footsteps. He deflated against the sink, turning back before turning it on, bringing some water up to his face, that was close.

“Don’t worry, Sam,” Lucifer clapped him on the shoulder, smiling at their reflections, “you won’t have to keep me a secret much longer.”

 

 

“He’s in shock, but other than that he’s fine. No broken bones, barely even a scratch. From a fall that high, I’d say he’s pretty…”

The EMT’s voice droned on in the background, as he sat on the edge of the ambulance, picking at the lip of the paper cup in his hands, shock… this is what shock feels like?

“I know it’s not quite the outcome you wanted,” Lucifer came over and sat beside him, “but hey, you did want a body to hit the sidewalk, so… that’s still a win, right?”

Sam shook his head, how can you say that? He was your brother.

“Oh, c’mon. It’s not like I killed him.”

He scoffed, eyes still on the now-covered body, why did you come after me?

“You know why.”

I don’t-

“He loved you, Sam. Just like I told you.”

No, no he didn’t. He wasn’t- he tore his eyes away from the body to look at the fallen angel, “Why are you even still here? You got what you wanted.”

“How many times do I have to tell you?” The blonde blew out a breath and looked at the body bag, “He loved you. I never would’ve-” he cut himself off as he looked down.

Sam eyed him for a moment, “This is a trick, right?”

“What?”

“This is all just you, right? You’re tricking me into thinking that-”

“No, Sam, I’m not.”

He glanced back up to the body bag, boulder settling into his stomach, no, this can’t- there’s no way this is- He turned back to the blonde, lump forming in his throat as he noted his sad expression, “Please tell me this isn’t real.”

The devil hung his head lower, not meeting the ex-hunter’s eyes.

The giant swallowed thickly, no, this- this can’t be real. “Y-you’re lying.”

“I’m sorry, Sam.”

“No!” He stood up, hands balling into fists at his sides, glaring at the shorter man, “You’re lying!”

“Sammy?” Dean’s voice was somewhere behind him.

The blonde kept his eyes on the ground, voice low, “Sammy, please-”

“No!” He pounded a fist on the side of the ambulance, making him jump, “Don’t you call me that! Don’t you dare!

Lucifer closed his eyes but otherwise didn’t respond.

He ran a hand through his hair, nearly pulling half of it out with the force, before punching the ambulance again, “Tell me the truth!”

“Sam?” Deans’ hand was on his shoulder, trying to get him to turn, “What’s going on? Who’re you talking to?”

“I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.”

He grit his teeth, fighting against his brother, “I’ll kill you, you bastard! You hear me?”

“Sam, whoa, hey, what the hell?”

“Let me go!” he struggled as his brother pulled him backward, “Let me go! I’m gonna-” he blinked at the now-empty ambulance, no, he turned around, wildly, eyes scanning the area for the blonde, hot tears began streaming down his face, “I-I thought… he was right there… I-I don’t-”

“Let it go,” he let his brother crush him into his chest, arms wrapping tightly around his back, “you’re okay.”

 

 

“I love you.”

The giant swallowed thickly and nodded, looking over the angel’s shoulder, “I know.”

Lucifer sat in the corner, starring at the pair as they ate breakfast, it’s not real. How could you love such a broken mess?

Sam reluctantly bit his toast, chewing it as he brought his eyes back down to the table, sighing heavily, how much longer are you gonna keep this up?

“I’ve told you, Sam, this isn’t me.”

Yeah, right.

Gabriel grabbed his hand then, bringing him back to the moment, “You know that, don’t you?”

“’Course,” Sams’ eyes didn’t leave the table, stop it. I can’t- he raised his eyes to the blondes’ please just stop this.

Lucifer sat up on his knees, cocking his head to one side, “Don’t you love him?”

You know I-  the giant sighed and got up from the table, “I-I need to take a walk.”

“A walk?” Gabriel followed him, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I just,” he took a deep breath, “I need some air.”

“Whoa, hey,” the angel caught his wrist, spinning him back to face him, “Can I come?”

Sam sighed heavily, and shook his head, “I just… I need some alone time.”

“Alone time?” Gabe chuckled nervously, “is the six hours when I’m at work not enough?”

“Gabe, I-” He glanced over his shoulder to the blonde, who was leaning against the stairs, “It’s hard to explain. Please, just let me…” he brought pleading eyes back to his boyfriend.

“O-okay.” Gabriels’ face crinkled in concern and the giant couldn’t help the stab he felt hit his heart. The brunette crushed him against his chest, squeezing tightly, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Sam closed his eyes in an attempt to keep the tears at bay, “I-I love you, too.”

“There it is!” Lucifer clapped his hands before bringing them to his chest, “What a great looking couple you guys make.”

Sam backed out of the hug, moving to the door, “I’ll be back soon.”

“Sam,” the giant turned, fighting the pain in his heart to go away, “Are you sure I can’t come?”

“Yeah, Sam,” Lucifer crossed his arms over his chest, “Why don’t you let him come?” He gasped, before smiling, “You could turn it into a picnic!”

I gotta hand it to you, you’re at least making it convincing. Sam sighed and shook his head, “No, I-I need to do this by myself.”

“Do… what?” Gabriel moved in front of the door, stopping him from leaving, “Sam, what are you gonna do?”

“Nothing. I just…” he failed to swallow the anger, why are you making this so hard? “I already told you, I just need some air.”

“Okay, okay,” the brunette moved to the side, concerned eyes still on his face, “Just… come back in one piece, okay?”

Sam sighed in defeat as he opened the door, doing his best to ignore the pull on his heart, “I-I need to go,” he hastily exited, letting out a giant breath as he all but ran down the driveway, you won’t have to pretend much longer.

 

 

“Sam where are you going?”

The giant took in a shaky breath as he crossed the street, hands balled in his pockets, to the tower.

“The tower?” Lucifer let out a whistle, “Damn, you really take that ‘go big or go home’ thing to heart, don’t ya?”

He picked up the pace, uselessly trying to outrun his own mind. I need this to end.

“What are you talking about?”

Does he sound… worried? No – no way. He’s just mad that he’s losing, Sam starred up at the tower from the bottom, taking in a breath, I’ll be able to wake up once and for all.

“Sam, how many times do I have to tell you?” Lucifer stayed close behind the man as he picked the lock on the door, feigning a look out, “Your relationship with my brother is real. This is all real. You’re not in the Cage.”

“Excuse me if I don’t take your word for it.”

“I… I guess I had that coming,” he followed the giant into the building, “But there are less… extreme ways to test your theory.”

“Pfft, please. You don’t even know what I’m going to do,” Sam started up the stairs, “Stop faking concern.”

“Climbing the stairs to one of the citys’ tallest buildings? Yes, whatever are you planning?” Lucifer started up after him, “When have I ever lied to you?” At the snort he continued, “When have I ever outright lied to you? I’ve negated certain truths, sure, but I’ve never, never just straight up lied. And I wouldn’t now.”

“Gee thanks, Satan,” Sam shot a look over his shoulder, “That makes me feel so much better.”

He heard Lucifer sigh as they kept climbing, why is he trying so hard to make me believe him?

“I’m just trying to keep you from doing something you’ll regret.”

“Oh, yeah, cause you’re all about caring,” Sam rolled his eyes as they passed the tenth floor.

“Sam, listen to me,” Lucifer cut in front of him, placing his hands on his shoulders, and looked the ex-hunter in the eye, “You. Are. Not. In. The. Cage.”

Sam starred at the devil, trying his best to ignore the small boulder of doubt that was settling into his stomach, could he actually be telling the truth? No. No – don’t fall for it, Winchester. “I know you aren’t the most gracious loser,” Sam stepped out of his grip, shaking off the feeling and kept climbing, “But this is just sad.”

“Sam, please,” Sam chuckled, mildly intrigued that the devil seemed to be pleading with him, “take a moment and truly think about what you’re about to do. What if you’re wrong? What would that do to Gabriel? To Dean?”

The brunette paused, standing in front of the roof access door, “If I’m wrong?” He bit his lip, closing his eyes, Gabriels’ face flashing through his mind before he pushed through the door, “Then at least I won’t have to keep seeing you.”


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